I have played over 130 hours of Tears of the Kingdom and don’t plan on stopping anytime soon, so it’s fair to say that I’ve done my fair share of adventuring in this newly torn asunder Hyrule. But despite all of the time I have put into the game, I’ve played it relatively safe when it comes to constructing convoluted contraptions. I have built a few things, but once I find something that works, I just keep building that same thing over and over again. One small quest, however - a task so menial and straightforward - finally brought out the mindset of what this game wants me to do.
After heading to Lurelin Village and taking care of the pirate invasion I had heard so much about, the few villagers remaining set out to rebuild. With Link being the little hero of Hyrule himself, he offers up assistance - and the villagers aren’t about to turn that down. What do they need? 15 logs. That’s it.
The catch was that the logs have to come from a little ways up the road, as the palm trees in the village won’t be suitable for this task. ‘That’s little bother’, I thought. Easily done. So, with this quest handed to me, I set out to collect 15 logs and bring them back to town. Little did I know the next 45 minutes were going to be absolutely tragic, hilarious, and one of my favourite times spent in the game so far.
Down the road, in the jungles of Faron, I knew there was a stable, so I immediately headed there to grab my horse and equip him with a harness. Luckily, there was a wagon here too, so I used this to my advantage. I spent the next five minutes constructing a Totally Professional And Sturdy Log Loading Wagon™ - oh yeah, I was serious about this business. Before long, we were ready to go, so off I trotted down the road back towards the village, wagon in tow, to the small forest that was a short distance from the town. This is going swimmingly.
With my horse’s handbrake steadily applied, I left the path and climbed up the small hill that the trees were sat atop, axe at the ready. There was a Bokoblin gathering some apples, but this was quickly resolved, and I could begin chopping away in peace. Now, in a normal scenario, you might load up three or four logs onto the wagon, transport them down the hill, drop them off, and head back to gather more. That would make sense. But no, I thought. What if I loaded up all of them in one go?
With all my logs questionably glued together with Ultrahand, I took the block-o’-logs down to the path ready to load up onto the wagon. I could just stick them on there and head off, and call it a day before the blood moon rises. The catch? Gravity. Gravity and basic physics.
Before I knew it, the wagon had wobbled, tipped, and a wheel had snapped off entirely. My block-o’-logs sat there, sadly resting on the ground. The Totally Professional And Sturdy Log Loading Wagon was no more. I put down the controller calmly, sat up straight on my chair, and I rested my head in my hands - and laughed. This simple oversight, this over-ambitious attempt at carrying out the most basic task, that I’d been leisurely going about as if there wasn’t a thing that could stop me, it had all crumbled in front of me.
What next? Do I take a step back, do a few logs at a time, and take the route of least resistance? No. No, now I knew what I needed to do. Now I see what this game wants me to become. There was only one answer: The Logmobile.
I took my block-o’-logs, attached all-terrain wheels, added a mast with yet another log, and I proudly sat atop it with a steering stick. Lurelin Village, you asked for logs, and logs you shall receive. That beefy bit of bark rolled up to the village entrance in style and parked right by the man who asked for the logs. In disbelief, he stared in awe, and couldn’t believe the achievement that had been made here. He had never seen something so magnificent, so rich in artistic value.
Well, actually, he just thanked me for the logs and left me with four wheels and a steering stick, but I like to think he was envious.